We think that one of the universal truths about human beings is that children love receiving gifts. This may be true for most, but I distinctly remember feeling terribly uncomfortable with getting presents. It was not because I lacked self esteem. I certainly felt that I was deserving of gifts and gestures of kindness. I was just uncomfortable with the possibility that my reaction to the gift would somehow disappoint the gift giver. In an article entitled “Learning to Lie,” Po Bronson reports that one reason kids lie is because their parents teach them to. He writes, “Consider how we expect a child to act when he opens a gift he doesn’t like. We instruct him to swallow all his honest reactions and put on a polite smile.” It seems that I was not the only child who felt the pressure to react in a way that would validate the choice of the gift-giver rather than in a manner that reflected my honest feelings. Giving and receiving gifts is a complicated dance, and as one grows older, the dynamic gets even more complex. When a gift is inappropriately offered, the offer itself can insult the integrity of the one meant to receive it.
It seems that this is what may have transpired between Moshe and his father-in-law Yitro in today’s parsha. As the Israelites prepare to leave the sweet, revelation flowing life at the bottom of Mount Sinai for the perilous journey into the unknown desert, Moses asks his father in law, a Midianite, to join them. Before we examine this exchange, a little background is important. Yitro is not the dreaded, testy, father-in-law of popular perception, but a man of sage counsel. After seeing the way in which Moses dealt with all of the problems of Israel by himself, Yitro suggested that he create a hierarchy of judges in order to support him in adjudicating his overwhelming load of disputes. Yitro’s admonishment is firm and wise, yet also loving and compassionate. He says,
“The thing that you are doing is not right. You will surely wear yourself out, as well as your people.”
“The thing that you are doing is not right. You will surely wear yourself out, as well as your people.”
כִּי כָבֵד מִמְּךָ הַדָּבָר לא תוּכַל עֲשׂהוּ לְבַדֶּךָ
“For the task is too difficult for you; you cannot do it alone.”
As a result of Yitro’s counsel, Moshe created the judicial system that became the basis for the way in which we dispense justice. This is a tremendous achievement and legacy, most especially because Yitro was a Gentile, an outsider by national tribal, standards.
With this in mind, Moshe’s desire to have Yitro accompany the Israelites through the desert makes great practical sense. He was a judicious counselor whose guidance proved to be exceptionally important. Yet the content of Moshe’s request of Yitro was off-putting. He makes the ask, so to speak, with the following words, “We are setting out for the place which the Lord promised us. Come with us and we will be generous with you; for the Lord has promised to be generous to Israel.” Yitro’s reply is blunt: “I will not go but will return to my native land.” His response is unexpected. Moshe responds by rephrasing the ask. He says, “Please do not leave us, inasmuch as you know where we should camp in the wilderness and can be our guide. So if you come with us, we will extend to you the same bounty that the Lord grants us.” In a remarkable narrative twist, the Torah does not provide Yitro’s answer, though in later books of the Tanach, his descendents, the Kenites, are present in the Holy Land, which suggests that he did accompany them. Their interaction begs the question: Why did he initially refuse and what was it about the nature of Moshe’s second request that addressed Yitro’s concern?
The Or Hachayyim, an 18th Century Moroccan commentator suggests that Moshe’s first invitation included a promise of a gift: “Come with us and we will be generous with you.” This insulted Yitro’s dignity. He wouldn’t throw his lot in with the Israelites because of the promise that they would be generous with him. Were he to accompany them on their journey, it would be out of the acknowledgement that he felt connected to them and their God. Should there be a reward down the road, it would be compensation for the value he added, not a gift bestowed upon him. Once Moshe rephrased the invitation to suggest that the Israelites needed him to guide them, Yitro was able to accept the offer. Framing the invitation to join as a present was patronizing and alienating.
This past Thursday I was privileged to have a tour of the Connect To Care project site, a UJA Federation project providing support to people in the Westchester Jewish community who are struggling from the impact of our current financial crisis. This project enables people to obtain legal assistance, financial, emotional, and spiritual counseling, and individual career counseling, all free of charge. People who take advantage of these services stand to save thousands of dollars while receiving the support that they desperately need. The most moving aspect of the work they are doing is that the entire set up provides these services while preserving the dignity of the clients. The physical space, the comprehension of client needs, and the respectful, non-patronizing manner in which they interact with and advise clients is sensitive, without belittling the experience, talents, and dignity of those with whom they serve. They do not perceive their mandate to be one of bestowing gifts; they are helping capable people figure out how to navigate through a crisis. Like Yitro, they “know where we should camp in the wilderness and can be our guide.”
Many of us are in need of guidance and support right now. Our financial struggles and the tremendous pressures with which many of us live spill over into our marriages, and into our relationships with our children and friends. We need a place to go for emotional support, and some of us have found that in the synagogue community. But others are not yet comfortable with their community knowing about their struggles and seek to be more private about them. Connect to Care provides all of these services and support with some of the anonymity they seek. Through Connect to Care, one can schedule private counseling sessions with a social worker, receive medical advice and prescriptions from a psychiatrist, utilize legal assistance from Harvard trained lawyers for a variety of crises (such as avoiding foreclosure and renegotiating credit card debt), receive professional career counseling, learn strategies of dealing with impossibly unaffordable health care and insurance coverage, and take advantage of access to financial advisors. For many people, such services can mean the difference between life and death, between the destruction of a marriage and keeping a family intact, and between job paralysis and finding meaningful employment. They run workshops every day on things such as succeeding in an interview, successful career transitions, how to speak to one’s children about the family’s new economic reality, how to utilize a variety of formats for successful networking, and learning stress reduction techniques. Every one of these opportunities for support are free of charge to members of the Westchester Jewish community- no strings attached, no questions asked. This effort of the UJA is a compelling example of the power of the Jewish community to care for its own as well as others. We should all know about this project. Tell everyone you know about it. For many it is a lifeboat amidst a raging storm that is currently wreaking havoc through our community.
These services are for everyone. They are working with women who have not worked outside of the home but who are now forced to re-enter the workforce, for some, after 25 years of not working. They are working with hedge-fund managers who have to confront extremely difficult decisions of remaining in the job market or accepting a new job at hundreds of thousands of dollars less than they have previously earned. They are working with people right out of college or professional school who can’t seem to find work despite their best efforts. They are working with blue collar workers who have lost low paying jobs and remain out of work. They are working with people who have spent 25 years in one profession that is no longer sustainable and who need to entirely reinvent themselves. Information about connect to Care is on the table outside of the sanctuary. I ask that everyone take it regardless of whether you need the services so as to preserve the privacy of those who do. Please take it and share it with anyone in need. Or, feel free to contact me and I will discreetly get the information to you.
Connect to Care services are offered in ways that reflect the values of dignity, respect, and integrity; they are not doled out in arrogance or in a manner that belittles the recipient. This project is an example of our community at its best, taking care of one another with sensitivity and compassion. Trying to navigate through these perilous times alone will not work. As Yitro said to his son-in-law, Moshe Rabbeinu,
כָבֵד מִמְּךָ הַדָּבָר /לֹ תוּכַל עֲשֹׂהוּ לְבַדֶּךָ
“The task is too difficult for you; you cannot do it alone.”
Through Connect to Care, the Westchester Jewish Community has mobilized in one of the finest displays of compassion, brotherhood, and support I have ever seen. Please take that first step of walking in or picking up the phone; you will immediately see that you are not alone.
May we grow from strength to strength.
May we grow from strength to strength.
Shabbat Shalom
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